


Spicy [Yandere! Sentient! Ramen x Reader]

by MyLifeInOneWord



Category: Original Work
Genre: Crack, Explicit Language, F/M, Gore, Horror, I don't know what I'm doing, Manipulation, Obsessive Behavior, Possessive Behavior, Ramen, Ramen Industry, Reader-Insert, Reader-Interactive, Romance is questionable, Suggestive Themes, Yandere, technically cannibalism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 20:14:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28926360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyLifeInOneWord/pseuds/MyLifeInOneWord
Summary: The packaging said it would spice up your life. You didn't think it meant literally.
Relationships: Ramen/Reader, Ramen/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	1. A/n

Just a disclaimer, this was just an idea I had. It's weird, I know. But you know what? You're even weirder for clicking on this. 

Just kidding. I love you. Please don't kill me. 

Anyways, I have a few other disclaimers that I have to mention in order from very important, to least important. 

**Disclaimers:**

**1.** There's going to be some serious language, suggestive themes, along with some other... _topics_. I rated this story mature for a reason. Additionally, I'm probably going to get really descriptive about the gore (especially in the first chapter), so if that doesn't appeal to you, then please don't read. This is a Yandere fiction after all.

 **2.** This is going to get weird really quick. By weird, I mean _weird_. A very uncomfortable weird. A freaky weird. You may think having a piece of ramen as a love interest may be weird, but everything about this is weird. 

**3.** The story itself is a joke. Everything here is a joke. Please don't take it seriously. It was just an idea I had. 

**4.** I'm open to ideas, so if anyone has any, lay it on me. 

Now that that is out of the way, I'll have you know that again, this is a Yandere fiction. That involves ramen.

Ramen does not become sentient and ruin your entire life, the entire ramen industry, or the economy. That would be weird. And ramen does not become sentient and force feed you his brethren. That would be a whole different level of weird. 

You may proceed with the story now. 

And remember! If you don't like, please don't read. Actually, it might be better if you don't read this at all. This is going to be trash. 

Don't say I didn't warn you, because I totally did.


	2. |1|

You furrowed your brows at the lady before you. 

"Congratulations! As our one millionth customer, you get to try our brand new limited ramen! I promise you, it will spice up your dreadful life!" Happily shoving the package in your hands, she briskly walked away, never to be seen again. 

Staring down at the ramen package in your hands, you shrugged. It was free food. Who would say no to free food? A college student nonetheless. Looking at the package, you hummed, seeing that the package said- true to the woman's word -that it would guarantee to 'spice up your dreadful life'. 

Wow. Way to go calling everyone out. 

Shoving the ramen package in your bag of groceries, you sighed. Being a college student sucked ass. It sucked even more now that you were living by yourself. Like seriously, why didn't they teach you how to pay taxes in highschool? Like, did they just expect you to just know how??? Thank god for google. Saved you from tax evasion. 

And God knows you didn't have the money to bail you out of that one. 

Deciding to head back home, you crossed the street after looking both ways because, well, you obviously didn't want to die. Well, you could to save you from drowning in debt. Damn, how do people even survive in this cruel world? Walking down the road, you looked to the side to see a truck coming down the lane you were on.

The lights were bright. They were blinding. You could hear the honking of the truck, telling you to move out of the way. But you didn't. Your body was frozen on the spot, thoughts racing through your head. One thought in particular stood out, however. 

Were you going to get isekai over to a new world? 

Damn that would be amazing. But wow, you clearly watched too much anime. 

You barely even registered the person running across the road until the man was impaled straight through by the monstrous elk head on the front of the truck. Your face blanked as the truck driver yelled as blood splattered all across the wind shield, the truck suddenly spinning in doughnuts before it flipped, crashing into the convenience store you had gotten your free ramen, killing three other bystanders. 

Your jaw dropped a the fucked up scene. 

And as if things couldn't get worse, the car blew up, sending glass shards everywhere. A person on the other side of the street suddenly doubled over, falling on the ground, and you could see a pool of blood forming underneath them. The screams were loud, and people were yelling for someone to call [Your Local Emergency Hotline]. 

And you? Well, you just stood there, watching the building you were just in burn up into flames. 

Glancing down at yourself, you saw that you were somehow uninjured. God must have thought experiencing something like this was funny because it was anything but. Then again, this was just your typical Monday in Havoc City, where fatalities in the city are higher than any place on Earth, and the rent was cheaper than dirt (oh I wonder why?). 

Looking back down the crosswalk, you clutched onto the bag of groceries in your dominant hand, walking down the road, the movement causing the bag to crinkle. It's been two years since you've moved into this dump of gore, and you had to say, it was surprisingly clean. They even had a specialized force called the Cleaning Unit just to clean up all the blood that gets everywhere all the time. 

You sighed. You really did become desensitized to all this shit, haven't you? You were so messed up. This city was so messed up. 

You didn't notice the slightly golden glow the ramen package gave off as you walked down the sidewalk of pristine green lawns and fences speckled with a little bit of blood, too busy on focusing on getting home. 

As the name suggests, Havoc City was a place where fatalities was a normal occurrence. Those who live there are either extremely desensitized to the gore that comes and goes everyday, empathetic fools who can't stand seeing people get hurt, or people who were idiots and decided to move here. Why on Earth was this place legal? Because the government was too lazy to care about what goes on in this gore ridden city. 

And we all know how helpful the government is. 

Havoc City is located in [Insert Your Country or Make One Up], with a nice population of 2 million, with the majority of people's wages the amount of what McDonald's would pay you. Those who worked as the Cleaning Unit (the people who cleaned up the gore) or the Construction Unit (the people who rebuild buildings if you had the money or insurance) had the highest pay. Well, unless, you worked in one of the expensive office buildings at the epicenter of the city, then yeah. 

And where did you fit in in all of this? You worked in a simple corner cafe called Sunbucks, with the logo a literal sun. The pay was alright, enough to pay your cheap apartment rent, but it would never be enough to pay for all your necessitates. For two years, you have been living from pay check to pay check, and it sucked, but it wasn't like you had time to get another job with you schooling. 

Good thing you had online classes. 

One day, you hoped that you could earn enough money to get out of this dump of a place, even if it was clean. You didn't think the possibility of dying each day was worth it. Then again, your mentality was also like- "I shall embrace death so that I may leave this place and reincarnate into an anime world filled with hot men who would take care of me so that I will never have to suffer debt or taxes once again" kind of thing. 

After all, anime was life. Or, death as some would say. 

You let out a soft yawn as you pulled out your keys, shoving them into the lock. They jangled a bit as you did so, causing your Hawks keychain to smack into the keys again and again. 

Haha. It was kind of amusing. 

At that thought, you sighed in a depressed manner. You were lonely you were going crazy. Why in the hell did you just find that funny? Pushing the door open (with a little force because it was stuck), you slammed the door behind you, dropping the plastic bag on the counter, before flopping onto your uncomfortable couch. 

Ow. Why the hell did you do that? You groaned, pressing your face into the couch that kind of smelled funny. 

Ugh, you felt like shit. You wanted to watch some anime and eat some ramen. 

Oh wait. 

Immediately sitting up, you dashed over to the counter, sifting through the bags to find the holy junk food. Ramen. And the best part was was that you got a for free!! Quickly boiling some water, you grabbed a bowl from the cabinet, ripping the contents open, and chucking in in. Out fell out the noodles as well as two packets. One was the regular soup broth, the other... You didn't know actually. 

Looking at the packaging, you saw that it was the spice that would 'spice up your dreadful life'. Ripping it open, you peered inside, seeing that the spice looked a little whitish gold. 

You wondered if this was crack. 

Setting the mysterious powder down, you grabbed the kettle, pouring in that hot water, before adding in the broth powder. You were in such a good mood that you even decided to fry a couple sunnyside eggs, slipping them in on top of the noodles. Looking down at it, you laughed a little. 

It looked like a pair of eye balls. 

Bringing it over to your trashy living room, you set the bowl down on the ground because you didn't have a coffee table. You were honestly too broke. Sitting down, you grabbed your remote that you fixed with flextape, and turned the TV on. Then you realized that you couldn't be cause you broke that thing too. 

With a sigh, you sat up deciding to grab your laptop. You might as well, since you forgot that you needed a fork/chopsticks. Stepping into your room, you unplugged the damn thing so that you could go eat your dinner. Walking into the kitchen, you pulled the drawer open to get your lone fork/chopsticks because you didn't have any friends. 

Mostly because they either all died because it was Havoc City, or because they lived outside of the city and didn't want to come in fear of dying. 

Pushing the drawer back in, your eyes wandered over to the old counter, seeing the packet of mystery powder you left there. With a shrug, you decided to bring that with you too. Hey, you weren't here for a long time, you were here for a good time. Walking back over to the living room, you sat down on the carpet floor, opening up google so that you could get to [Insert KissAnime or Crunchyroll or Whatever Platform You Use]. 

Opening up [Insert Favorite Anime], you leaned back against the couch, stomach growling in hunger. As the opening started, you picked up your ramen bowl, the mystery powder, and like a sane person, aggressively dumped the whole contents in. Picking up your fork/chopsticks, you swirled it around a bit, before stabbing the egg yolk. 

Nothing in all your life in Havoc City could have prepared you for this exact moment. Not even anime. 

"AAAHHHHH SHIT MY EYE!!" A thick red juice spurted out of the egg yolk, and you screamed. 

"HOLY FUCK! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Backing away from the ramen, who was now cursing out profanities from it's non-existent mouth, you were freaking out. 

"I didn't even snort the cocaine and I'm already hallucinating," you muttered. "That must be some strong shit." 

After finally getting the courage to go back towards the ramen, you approached it, peering into the bowl. If you were hallucinating, then there wouldn't be red pouring out of the egg yolk, and there wouldn't be a face in your bowl. Squeezing your eyes shut, you hovered over the bowl, counting numbers down. 

_Alright Y/n, you can do this._

_3_

_2_

_1!_

Opening your eyes, you yelped as you were met face to face with a ramen glaring up at you. No... You rubbed your eyes aggressively. You had to be dreaming. You opened them again to see the ramen frowning by parting the noodles to reveal broth. Hell, it even had eyebrows that furrowed down together. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Oh shit and it had a deep masculine voice. You were definitely high. You shook your head. 

"Oh fuck you're right. What is wrong with me?" You laughed to yourself. "Oh fuck I'm high. I am definitely high." The ramen gave you a look somehow. 

"That's not what I'm talking about you idiot! You stabbed my eye! You're lucky that I can fix it," it- he - what the fuck was it even? -grumbled. "But it still hurts like a bitch." 

"You- I," You breathed in. "You know what, this is weird. No, this is freaky." You laughed to yourself like a madwoman as the ramen just stared up at you expectantly. After calming yourself down (which was pretty difficult), you sighed. 

"Is this real?" You asked. "Are you real?" At that question, the ramen looked angry. 

"Of course I'm fucking real! And no, you did not just take crack." You put your hands together, breathing in deeply. Oh boi. Sentient ramen? This was like something out of an anime or some shit. You stomach started to growl. 

"Ugh, now I can't eat anything," you grumbled. "You ruined my meal, _and_ my appetite." The ramen grew pissed. 

"Oi, it's not my fault you decided to sprinkle in a little bit of 'spice'. You should have read the fucking warning label." Okay, now you were pissed. 

"How the fuck should I have known?! And for your information, there is no warning label! This is so stupid! I have to be dreaming!" Your stomach growled again. "Damn it..." Your spoke quietly. "And I'm hungry now too... It's been like, three days..." The ramen grew quiet, especially after hearing your rant. 

The both of you sat in silence for a couple of minutes, before it spoke up. 

"You know, why don't you just eat me?"


	3. |2|

It took a moment to register in your brain. 

"WHY THE HELL WOULD I DO THAT?!" you exclaimed. "And I thought you said that it hurt!" The ramen waved dismissively using a noodle as an arm. 

"I was exaggerating. It actually doesn't hurt." 

"Well I don't want to eat you." You huffed. "It just feels wrong. It'd be like I'm slurping up your insides or something." You shivered. Ugh that would be gross. Your stomach growled in protest, and you began to punch it. 

"Shut up you stupid stomach." The ramen watched you with a deadpanned expression.

"It could all be solved by eating me." You shot it a glare. "Stop saying that! It sounds wrong! And I don't want to eat something that's alive! Are you alive?" That last bit came out a little quieter. Yeah, was that ramen even alive? It talked and had expressions, but was it? It had to be figment of your imagination, it had to be. 

Things like this just doesn't happen in real life. 

"I thought we went over this you fucking idiot. I'm 100% alive. And for you information, I'm a male. I can tell that you're debating on what to call me." You gaped. Were you _that_ oblivious? And ramen has a gender? Well actually you supposed you shouldn't judge, everything deserves to be identified as something, but still! You eat ramen, so it just feels wrong now. 

Ugh, you felt like you were going to be sick. 

"I think I'm going to hurl. This has to be the worse thing that's ever happened to me. And I'm already fucked up." He watched you as you staggered into the bathroom. Or tried to at least, because you passed out, landing on the floor with a thud. 

You groaned, sitting up from your position on the carpet. 

Rubbing your head with your hands, you sighed. You just had the stupidest nightmare in your entire existence. A ramen becoming sentient and you stabbing him with a fork/chopstick. Ha, like that would ever happen. Looking back, you saw the bowl you left there, and you paled. 

It had to be a dream. 

Hesitantly, you peered into the bowl, and sighed when you saw that there was no ramen man inside. You laughed softly to yourself. You were dreaming. Ramen man was not real. He wasn't real. 

"Oh, you're awake." Your whole body just jumped, and you looked down at the bowl with a nervous expression, before it morphed into confusion. Huh? He wasn't in the bowl. And the bowl felt very hot, considering the fact that you had passed out for probably a while. 

"Behind you, dumbass." With wide eyes, you slowly turned your head back, seeing a very _very_ naked man before you. 

"... You... I-" No words left your mouth as you tried to come up with a reasonable explanation as to why there was a very naked stranger in your apartment. Maybe he just came for a hook up or something. But wait, you didn't do hook ups. And his voice sounded very similar to the ramen in your bowl. 

Come on, there has to be a logical explanation. 

The man shook his head at your stunned state. "It's still me. Did that fall really cause you brain damage?" He ran his hands through his slightly curly, pale yellow hair. You then focused your gaze on his eyes. They were a golden yellow, it kind of looked like a yolky color. Huh, now that you thought about it, his hair looked like ramen. 

Huh, he smelled like ramen too. 

"Tch." He crossed his arms. "You really are an idiot." Alright, that made you pissed. 

"Who are you calling an idiot! Anyone with a right mind would have questioned everything if some ramen suddenly came to life! I was super hungry, and now you suddenly show and ruin my appetite!" You threw your hands up in the air, before groaning in pain. Flopping onto the couch, you sighed. 

"And I'm still hungry..." He rolled his eyes, picking up the bowl of ramen off the floor. 

"Stop saying you're fucking hungry and just eat it." You flipped over to look at him, and then the bowl of ramen in his hand. You pursed your lips, furrowing your brows. 

"Hell no, didn't you hear what I just told you? It feels wrong to eat ramen now because of you!" A vein popped on his head, and his face contorted to one of anger. 

"Why the fuck are you so stubborn?! Just eat the damn thing!" He stretched his arm to grab your wrist. 

"NO! THIS IS ASSAULT! YOU FUCKING RAMEN GET BACK TO THE FORM YOU WERE ORIGINALLY!" You yelled at the top of your lungs, trying to get your arm back. 

"This was your fault to begin with." You gaped. 

"How the hell is this my fault?! All I did was accept a package of ramen that said that it would spice up my-..." Your eyes widened. "...oh... ohnoohnoohno!!" The ramen man tsked as you started to hyperventilate. 

"Oh, so now you realize it. I guess you aren't such a dumbass after all." His comment went ignored as you dashed into the kitchen, his golden eyes on you in slight interest and amusement. You were quickly scurrying around to find the ramen package. You remembered that you threw it away, so you immediately searched the trash. Peering inside, you furrowed your brows when you couldn't find it. 

But you swore you threw it in. 

"Nononono! Where is it?" Not willing to dig in the trash like some raccoon (you had more dignity than that), you turned to ramen man. "Alright, _you_ , explain." 

"How can I explain something I don't know?" You narrowed your eyes. He was clearly lying, especially when he said it was you're own fault. He clearly knew more then he let on. 

"I know you're lying." He gave you a smirk.

"Quite perceptive aren't you?" He shrugged his shoulders. "I would tell you, but that's all there really is to know. I'm stuck with you now." You glared. 

"You mean I'm stuck with _you_." He waved a dismissive hand. 

"What ever floats your boat, but you should really eat that ramen. I made it just for you too. I know you're hungry." In his hands was the bowl of ramen, and you glared at it. Noticing this, he began to pull it back to him. "If you don't want it, I understand. I'm sure your stubbornness would prefer it if you didn't." 

Irritated, you grabbed onto the bowl, pulling it to you. "I want it, thanks," you grumbled, picking up the utensils and putting it in your mouth. When it hit your taste buds, you felt like all your stress was melting away. 

Oh dear lord it was delicious. 

"MMmm," You moaned at the taste. "Why is this so guudd?" His golden eyes watched you in amusement. 

"Because I made it." You gave him a face. "Yeah, I know you made it, smart ass." A sly grin made it's way on his face, and your eating slowed down a bit. You didn't like that face he was making. Oh god, what did he do?!

"Yes, I made it with my body. I just plucked a piece off. You're lucky I didn't decide to pluck my di-" All the ramen in your mouth came flying back out in the bowl as you choked. He just stood there as you choked on the floor, trying to cough up the ramen. Tired, you looked up at him. 

"Ho-ow..." You coughed, and he gave you a confused expression, before pretending to finally understand what you're trying to say. 

"Oh? Ah, you want me to demonstrate." A smug look came across his features, and you instantly regretted your words. His hand stretched down to his- Oh shit. 

Your face erupted in flames when you saw his phallus. "Oh fuck, stop! STOP I TELL YOU! I GET IT! I GET IT! YOU FUCKING PERV!" 

He pretended to be confused as you were screaming out profanities. "I was just demonstrating what you asked me to. You know you could take a bite out of me, and I'd still be fine. Well, if you're the kinky type." 

"Oh my god. Can I get rid of you?" He hummed. 

"Hmm... no." You gave him a 'are you serious' look. 

"Is that another lie?" He merely smiled. "Unless you want to die, then no." You gazed into his face, but it revealed nothing to you. You couldn't tell if he was lying or not. Frustrated, you slurped up more ramen, only to remember that it was made from him tearing a piece of himself off, and you coughed it right back up. 

He shook his head. "Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have told you. Now how are you going to eat?" The expression on his face told you everything you needed to know. He was doing this on purpose. 

"I think I'd rather starve." He laughed, taking a few long strides towards you so that he was a couple feet away. It was now that you realized he was fucking tall. Probably six foot six. 

"I don't think you'd want that, unless you'd want to prove my point that you really are a dumbass." You punched him, before reeling back when your fist hurt like you had punched a brick wall. Didn't he say that he was made out of ramen and that you could take a bite out of him?!

"Ah, stubborn girl." He slowly backed you up against the wall, suddenly looking very _very_ intimidating, especially when the man was buck naked. Did he even count as a man since he was theoretically ramen? "Alright fine, I'll tell you a few things." He held up a finger. 

"One. My name is Noodles." He glared at you. "And don't you fucking dare laugh." He held up another finger. 

"Two. Don't you fucking _dare_ try to get rid of me or I will get rid of _you_. I may be here to 'spice up your dreadful life', but that doesn't mean I can't kill you, and I promise that I won't make it quick." You gulped. That didn't sound very good.

"Now leading onto that, three. I am here to take care of you. That women you saw before at the supermarket? She was, some would say, the person watching over you." Okay, now you were confused. 

"Wait wait wait, if she's supposed to be watching over me, then why isn't she? And why are _you_ here to take care of me?" He rolled his eyes. Damn, he was like some sort of bratty teenager. 

"I was going to get to that if you'd listen. Apparently she doesn't want to take care of you anymore and wants to be with her new boyfriend. Basically, she made me so that she didn't have to look after you." Your jaw dropped. 

"ARE you fucking kidding me?!" The woman who was supposed to watch over you thought that it'd be a good idea to make a sentient ramen who could transform into a hot man and watch over you and cook ramen made out of himself and seems to not like his job at all left to be with her new boyfriend!? This was so fucked up! And this sentient ramen looks so done with life. Hell, he's even willing to kill you!

Noodles chuckled. "Yeah, my thoughts exactly." You groaned, leaning against the wall, and sliding down. 

"So what, there are people that watch over everyone like angels or something?" You mumbled on the floor. 

"Something of the sort, however, only lucky people get them." You slammed your head against the wall. 

"Wow," you spoke sarcastically. "I feel _so_ lucky that mine ditched me, leaving me with a hot sentient psycho ramen that looks like he wants to kill me." He gave you an amused smile. 

"Oh? You think I'm hot?" 

"Who wouldn't? You have abs." Your eyes started to go lower, and you quickly stopped yourself from a very humiliating event. You covered your eyes. "But can you please find some _fucking_ clothes to wear?!" Shrugging, Noodles snapped his fingers.

"You can open your eyes now." Hesitantly putting your hands down, you looked at him to see that he was wearing a white silk dress shirt anad some black suit pants. Damn they look like they cost you more than your apartment. But how the hell? Was he sentient _and_ magic? Noticing your confusion, he squatted down, revealing his shit eating handsome face. 

"Magic." Cue his jazz hands. You swatted them away. 

"Fuck you." Noodles had a serious look on his face. "Of course." About to take his shirt off, you smacked his hands away, face red. After a bit of silence between the two of you, a bubble of laughter escaped your throat. 

"Oh my god, who's the dumbass now?" you laughed. He rolled his eyes. 

"I'm supposed to be taking care of you like your guardian told me to, which includes listening to your demands." At his words, you felt confused.

"But you said you were going to kill me." Noodles looked at you in annoyance, standing up. 

"I said I was supposed to listen to them. I never said I had to." He began to walk back into the kitchen. "I just listen to the ones I want to hear." 

You clenched your jaw in irritance. That thing, guy, whatever he was- was going to be the death of you. You just hoped that your guardian was going to die from all the stress she was causing you. Fuck, and you had college to do too. How were you supposed to get a degree now that that psycho was here? 

  
You groaned. 

And you were still hungry. You hoped Noodles wasn't going to cook you anymore of his body parts because that is seriously disturbing.


	4. |3|

"So remind me why you have a physical form?" you grumbled as Noodles force fed you, well, noodles. You choked as he shoved it down your throat, and you had to smack him to stop or else you would have died. Thank god it wasn't made out of him. Well, at least that's what he said. Actually, though it was rather disturbing to know, it tasted absolutely amazing. 

It was unlike anything you've ever had. It was like heaven. 

You know if you got to be fed by such a hot ramen man like Noodles everyday, you probably wouldn't mind. It was absolutely fucking delicious. You internally smacked yourself. Oh god, what have you become?! 

"I gave myself a physical form." You opened your mouth so that he could shove some more noodles inside. "It's a shame that I can't revert my properties. In the end, I'm still ramen." Chewing up the noodles, you swallowed. 

"I still don't understand why she made you a ramen, or why she named you Noodles." He shot you a glare, and you tensed a bit, trying to sink past his leg and into the couch that the two of you were on. But alas, you could not because he had you propped up on his leg. 

"She thought it would be funny, that fucker." Noodles grumbled under his breath. "For a woman who's five-hundred years old, she has the personality and humor of a ten year-old." He aggressively shoved noodles into your mouth, and you thrashed a bit in his hold. "Stay still damn it." 

Swallowing, you yelled at him. "Do you just expect me to just stay still while you keep choking me?!" 

"You're not into that kind of stuff?" 

"I- Er. I don't know?" He raised a brow. "What, so you're a virgin or something?" 

"I'm not going to answer that." He huffed. 

"I didn't want an answer anyways." A sly grin made it's way onto his face. "By the way, I'm sure you'd be _very_ interested in how I made your noodles." You coughed, trying to swallow the noodles quickly. 

"Please don't tell me." Oh no, he did not. 

"The noodles were made out of my hair, and the broth was made out of my bodily fluids." You choked. No. He did not. You started to punch him with your fist, but he just wasn't reacting. Damn ramen doesn't have a nervous system. Using his other hand, he wrenched your out open so he could feed you more of his body. 

"Staph! I don't want to drink your fucking pee!" A vein popped on his forehead. Was that even biologically possible? 

"It's not pee you dumbass. It's my blood." 

"How is that even better?! And I thought it was red!" At your exclamation, Noodles took the opportunity to shove more noodles in aggressively. You choked, trying to strangle the noodle man, but he looked unfazed. Actually, he looked so done with your shit. 

"I think you want me to kill you." He sighed at your struggling. "You should be thankful I'm not shit or something. I'm sure that would have been very unpleasant to eat and smell." After shoving the last bit inside your mouth, he let you go, and you fell onto the floor with a thud. He rolled his eyes at you, bringing the bowl into the kitchen. 

You were just hoping this whole thing was just some fucked up dream. 

Sitting up, you rubbed your head, still tasting the lingering broth- or blood now -in your mouth. It wasn't bad, it was just the thought that made it revolting. You smacked your lips. At least you weren't hungry now. Looking to the side, you saw your laptop wide open. 

Oh right, you were going to watch anime until this whole thing just happened. 

Stretching your arm out to grab it, you whined when your fingers barely grazed it. You didn't feel like getting up, but you wanted to watch anime. Ah, the struggles of life. With a defeated sigh, you plopped back down on the floor. You didn't have the motivation to do anything, homework, cook, clean, nothing. You just wanted to stare lifelessly at a screen this very moment.

Pushing yourself a little with your hands, you pulled the laptop tiredly towards yourself. Yelling with Noodles and the whole stress of the situation just tired you out. Pressing the spacebar, you waited for your show to start. When you have no motivation to do anything, the only thing that could bring you some amount of joy was watching anime and sleeping. 

Hopefully the clanking in your kitchen was just your imagination, or else you were going to cry. 

Actually, you probably didn't even have any more tears to cry by this point. 

\---

After a while of watching, you felt sleepy. The noises coming from the kitchen stopped a while ago, and you briefly wondered if it had been a figment of your imagination. That would be nice. Then you wouldn't have to deal with a crazy piece of ramen who wanted to kill you. Well, you weren't sure about wanted, but he definitely seemed like he wanted to kill you. 

Closing your laptop, you decided to go investigate. Peering into the kitchen, you yelped in surprise when Noodles was laying on the floor, golden eyes trained on the ceiling. 

"What the fuck are you doing, and oh my gawd my eyes." You quickly covered your eyes as the kitchen tiles reflected bright light at you. When did they get so... clean? Ugh, it was probably Noodles' doing. You were a little disappointed that everything wasn't a dream. The said ramen turned his head to look at you with a blank expression. 

"You're poor. This place is filthy." 

"Wow, thanks for pointing that out," you grumbled, stomping out of the kitchen in frustration. That man comes into my home and thinks he could criticize the way you lived your life? Ha no, you didn't think so. "If you think that's a problem then why don't you just do something about it?" Noodles immediately sat up, staring at your retreating form. His eyes didn't leave you until you slammed your bedroom door shut. 

You were right. Why didn't he just do something about it himself? 

Standing up, he walked into the living room, scrutinizing everything you had. There was literal trash everywhere, and the place looked worse for wear. Did you even know how to clean? Noodles sighed, picking a few of the things up. You definitely needed a new place. What did they call those homes? Mansions? He was pretty sure that's what they the large homes down on Earth. Your _lovely_ guardian had one of those back up in Clothera.

Noodles furrowed his brows at his thoughts. 

He couldn't believe he was helping you, but that was what he was made to do. It was in his genes. Not that he had any. However, despite the fact that he was helping you, he was also helping himself. He needed a way to cure his boredom, so this should be able to do the trick. 

Grabbing your laptop, he began to research the area that you lived in, eyes widening slightly at the mortality rate. You really were an idiot, living in such a terrible place. You obviously wouldn't be able to take care of yourself without him around. Clearly, your guardian sucked ass at her job if she had you living in Havoc City. 

Speaking of your Guardian, that woman was a bitch. Noodles did _not_ like her at all, even if she _was_ the one who created him.

Guardians were, in a way, like angels. Powerful celestial beings sent to guide tragic and dreadful souls to a better life. When guardians are assigned to a human they are tied for life, unless you push your responsibilities onto another guardian (which happened to Noodles). They could either be made through magic, or through the consummation of love. It was usually the latter, as it was far easier than making one out of magic. It takes much concentration, to make the physical appearance, the mentality, ect. That was generally why it was unusual to have one made of purely magic. 

There are upsides to having beings made of purely magic, however. 

Well, for Noodles that is. 

Those made of magic develop into intricate and powerful beings, with minds of their own, and can destroy thousands with a flick of their hand. Those cases, however, rarely happen as those made of purely magic were extremely rare. Most are created based upon objects, such as Noodle himself. 

Your original guardian was also one of these beings. She was one of the first few people who discovered that it was possible to make a being of pure magic by testing it on herself. She became a legend amongst guardians up in Clothera. 

Even though she was exceptionally smart, that woman was damn impulsive. That was one of the reasons why he hated her. She named him Noodles and left him with you.

And now just to spite her, Noodles was going to ruin this world's economy. 

His eyes flickered back over to your bedroom door. And once he does that, he was going to make sure the two of you weren't living in this dump of an apartment, not while he was assigned as your guardian. 

He was going to be the best guardian in the history of guardians, physically, mentally, and socially, Noodles swore. So good, that everyone would acknowledge him not as a ramen, but as his own actual person. He will become the God of Ramen. But then again, to do that he has to take care of an actual human being, and Noodles was definitely not capable of that. 

How the hell are you supposed to take care of someone you want to kill? How do you even take care of someone? 

There has to be some instructions or something on the Internet, Noodles deduced, furiously typing into the machine. His eyes widen when he saw the beautiful site that would answer all his questions. 

**WikiHow**

_[How to be caring (with Pictures)?](https://www.wikihow.com/Be-Caring) _ Noodles mused. Close enough. 

He was finally on the path to greatness. 

Noodles cringed when he picked up a dirty sock wedged in between the couch. Actually, the path of greatness might be a bit of a stretch. 

\---

"And- and then I stabbed his eye and he screamed and I screamed and it was just a whole fucking mess. And he's crazy too!" you rambled rapidly. The person in front of you deadpanned. 

"Mam, this is a Wendy's." The guy walking by suddenly busted out laughed, aggressively patted his female co-worker's back, attempting to stifle his laughter with his other hand. 

"Lena!!" he wheezed. "Oh man I've always wanted to say that, you lucky girl." He laughed, pushing her around, looking as if he were about to topple over. His eyes snapped onto you. "But yo, seriously, I don't know if you're lying, but that is some serious shit you got going on. And we living in fucking _Havoc City!_ " 

"I know! It's ridiculous!" you exclaimed, slamming your hands on the table. The guy pulled the woman known as Lena over to you, pulling out a couple chairs for the two of them to sit down. He held out his hand.

"Yo, name's Keitan, but you can call me tonight." You stared at his hand for a second, before you grinned, gripping his hand. 

"Alright, whatever you say _tonight_." Lena rolled her eyes at Keitan's sad face. 

"You set yourself up for that one, Keith." Keitan pouted, mumbling an "I know". The two of them were fairly attractive people, with Keith being a brown eyed brunette with dark tanned skin, and Lena a green eyed blondie with a small beauty mark under her left eye. They seemed like fun people, but you weren't sure if you wanted to get to know them on a personal level, considering- 

**CRASH!**

Your eyes watched the world in slow motion as a truck crashed into the Wendy's, coming to a stop inches from your face. The ladder on top of the car zoomed forwards due to inertia. The old man sitting at the table a ways away could only blink as the pegs caught him at his throat, decapitating him with a snap. 

Blood spurted into the air violently as his wife sat beside him, too stunned to say anything. The whole place was quiet as a large pool of blood began to pool under the table. It was as if the spell had suddenly broken when the old woman had started to cry, that was when people had decided to start calling [Your Emergency Hotline]. 

Eyes moving towards the truck that was literal _inches_ from your face, you peered in through the window to look for a body, but you couldn't. There was too much blood covering the interior of the windows. Beside you, Keitan and Lena sat frozen in shock beside you, and you sighed.

Ah, the wonders of Havoc City, and having almost been killed are just extremely pleasant thoughts. You choked back a dry laugh, thinking that for a moment you could have been rid of Noodles, your debt, and your crippling depression. 

...But there was no escape.


	5. |4|

“Welcome home!” Noodles exclaimed with open arms as you walked through the front door. You gave him an annoyed look. Why was he acting so friendly? What was his motive this time? Ignoring him for the time being, you shimmied off your shoes, placing them by the front door so you didn’t get your carpet any dirtier than it already was.

Noodles furrowed his brows at you. Something was wrong, he could feel it. Golden eyes scrutinizing you, he spotted a speck of red on your cheek. The ramen man knew what that was- it was blatantly obvious that it was blood. Were you ignoring him because you saw someone die? That would make sense he supposed. 

His eyes suddenly widened. _This was his chance_. 

**1 - Be Sensitive to Feelings of Others**

Noodles needed to empathize with you. It was obvious. The question was _how_ exactly he could accomplish that. He didn't exactly know how to do this empathizing thing. But it didn't mean he couldn't try. 

Now determined, the ramen man took a step towards you, to which you stiffened. Noodles ignored that. “Did you er, see someone die today?” Ah, he was cringing at how horrible he was at this. What did he have to do now? He had to do that hug thing. Right. 

Spreading his arms apart, he walked robotically towards you, and you furrowed your brows at him. 

_“What kind of shit is he trying to pull now?”_ you thought to yourself. He looked so ridiculous. 

“I am going to give you a hug because I uh, care about you and your feelings?” Your eyebrow twitched. Alright, what kind of stupid prank was Noodles trying to give you? The Noodles you knew for only half a day wouldn’t have wanted to give you a hug. Actually, Noodles would most likely be ignoring you or forcefully shoving his body parts down your throat. 

That last part sounded very wrong. 

“Noodles, what the fuck are you trying to do,” you grumbled out, and he halted in his awkward strides, standing only a foot away. He suddenly looked very annoyed at you. 

“I’m trying to care for you as a person, which means showing affection and concern,” he spoke in distaste. Okay, now you were angry, especially with the fact that he didn’t want to show you those things anyway. 

"If you don’t want to show affection and concern then don’t! I don’t want your fucking pity.” He breathed in sharply, glaring at you. Why were you so stupid?!

“I’m not doing this because I want to, I’m doing this because I have to!” he yelled at you. 

“Who’s forcing you to?! You said you had free will!” 

“I’m doing this for my own benefit. Guardians only have one purpose, and that is to cater the needs of their one special human.” Despite being angry, Noodles’ face wasn’t flushed like yours was. You were a little jealous about that. “The only other purpose guardians have is becoming a god, but that rarely happens.” 

You raised a brow, feeling your rage quelling. “You can become a god?” 

“It’s the highest rank of guardian. Only four people in our society have been granted that title. One of those people was your previous guardian.” Your face contorted to one of annoyance 

Of course, it was _your_ guardian. 

Sighing, you pinched the bridge of your nose. “Look, I’m sorry for yelling at you. I’m just feeling a little frustrated today.” Noodles blinked at your apology. He didn’t think he would hear one from you, considering your personality. Nonetheless, he accepted it.

“It’s fine. I’m.. I’m sorry too.” The last part came out before he could stop himself. He hesitantly looked at your face to gauge your reaction, but the only reaction you gave him was a smile. It wasn’t one he was expecting. He thought you would have been shocked or some shit like that, not smiling at him. 

It looked kind of good on you. 

“Hey, Noodles? You said there are ranks for guardians right? What are they? Which one are you?” He sighed. Of course, you would be curious. Gesturing towards the couch, the two of you made your way to the living room, plopping down on the old rickety thing.

“There’s a hierarchy within our society, much of it is dependent on popularity, power, and skill, but it’s usually dependent on what type of guardian you are. Those at the bottom are basically commoners, with the least amount of power. There’s a lot of them, and they’re assigned to individuals who are filled with sadness, or more so than the usual population.” Noodles paused, glancing at you.

“You know, guardians generally aren’t supposed to reveal themselves to their special person,” Noodles said as a matter of fact. “So we’re just going to have to keep this a secret. Unless you’re a dumbass and start blabbing about it.” You scrunched up your nose. 

“Wow, I thought we were having a moment.” 

“I hope you realize I don’t do ‘moments’. I am biologically ramen. It is not possible for me to have emotions like regular guardians.” You rolled over on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. 

“So like, you don’t have any favorite things?” 

“I thought you were listening, of course I don’t.” Your eyes flickered back to him and your gazes met. He looked the same as ever, with a blank expression on his face and glowing, gold eyes. 

“That sucks.” 

“What?” There was an edge of hostility to his voice as he burned his gaze into your skull. Even though he was intimidating, you didn’t feel the least bit scared. Maybe it was the knowledge that he technically couldn’t kill you or the thought that you didn’t care if he did. 

“You know, not being able to have feelings. You don’t have likes or dislikes, favorite foods and shit like that. You’re basically an empty shell. You can talk and interact, but you’ll never have the capabilities as the real thing.” You broke your gaze, deciding to close your eyes. “Maybe that’s why they don’t create those guardians out of magic.” 

Noodles was silent as he watched you, and he couldn’t help but feel slightly angry. No, he wasn’t angry with you, but he was angry with his creator. He wouldn’t admit it to your face but your words had struck a chord within him. 

He may have free will, but what was the point of free will when he didn’t have things he could do with it? Nothing that would provide him with pleasure. Noodles was deep in thought when your voice broke him out of it. 

“Though Noodles, I think you do have feelings.” He furrowed his brows. What kind of nonsense were you talking about? “You sounded really passionate about the guardian thing. That’s what you want to be right? A guardian?” You paused, humming to yourself. “Though I see you more as someone aiming to be a ‘god’ or something like that.” 

He grit his teeth, abruptly standing up and walking to the kitchen. “Don’t fucking try to talk like you know me. I know for a fact that I do _not_ have feelings.” 

Honestly, you were so infuriating, so _insufferable_. Why did guardians have to take care of such useless flesh bags? Why couldn’t they do something more important? All humans were ever good for was making a huge mess and killing animals and themselves. Selfish creatures they were, and good for nothing for this planet. 

They created an unbalanced world, with all their factories and industries- 

Noodles paused, feeling his heart pounding in his ears. 

There _was_ something he wanted to do. Something that would make him extremely happy. He tore off his arm without a second thought, chucking it in the pot and letting a second one regrow one noodle at a time (pun not intended). 

Noodles had to admit, even if you _were_ insufferable, you were certainly much more tolerable than other humans. He may not have feelings but it seemed like you understood him to a certain level, despite having only known him for a day. He couldn’t help but feel appreciative of your presence, but that was probably the guardian part inside of him speaking. 

Snapping his fingers, files appeared in his left hand as he stirred the pot of ramen noodles. He huffed before his lips tugged into a smug grin. 

Humans really were pathetic and weak. Like babies compared to guardians. 

\---

Bob was having a very normal day. He got KFC, passed by a Wendy’s and saw a horrid bloody mess, walked back to his office, and ate his lunch as he sat at his desk doing paperwork, and phoned his assistant concerning his meeting with the CFO. 

Except his assistant told the man that the CFO didn’t come in after lunch. 

No, actually he got a phone call instead from the police, saying that his CFO was dead after being decapitated by a ladder that had flown off a truck at a Wendy’s. At those words, he immediately thought back to the Wendy’s he saw earlier that day, mind clicking together that that must have been the place he had died in. 

Bob sighed. 

Sure, it was normal that people died, but normally those people weren’t the CFO of a huge company. It was usually lower-class people within Havoc City. As the CEO, he would know. Bob jolted slightly in surprise when the door suddenly slammed open, revealing one of his secretaries. 

“Sir! Sir! Is it true that you sold the company to someone?” Bob furrowed his brows, forehead wrinkling up in confusion. 

“What?” She showed him one of the papers in her hands, and Bob’s eyes widened. Oh no, what in hell’s name was this? Who the hell was Noodles? He never talked to any Noodles- The CEO felt a wave of dread wash over him like a huge tsunami. 

Fuck, he did. 

It was yesterday when he received an email from him concerning his business. The contents mentioned that he was planning on purchasing a sliver of the company, with a link posted on the bottom concerning why he was doing it. 

So, Bob, like any reasonable person, clicked on it. 

He slapped his forehead, groaning. So that was why his computer wasn’t working very well. God, he was so stupid. Fucking technology and it’s liabilities (or maybe it was because he couldn’t use them). And he didn’t have any proof that didn’t actually sell the whole company to some shitty guy named Noodles (like, who the fuck names their kid Noodles?) because he apparently made some fake documents with his signature on it. 

Damn it, the man was smart. Or was he even a man? For all he knew it could be a woman. 

Bob seethed. When he found that mother fucker he was so dead. 

Meanwhile, Noodles was chuckling as he force-fed you his noodles. You sat between his legs that were holding your own down, while his left arm wrapped around your torso, leaving his right arm to feed you. 

The look on your face was clearly unhappy but at least you were getting fed. 

Noodles hummed, pleased to know that you were healthy (eating him was actually very nutritious, not that he ever tried), and that he was gradually getting closer towards his goal. Speaking of you, you were going to be quite surprised when he tells you that he’s upgrading living conditions. He inwardly smirked. 

**2 - Think About How Your Actions Affect Other People**

He knew you were struggling with money, living from paycheck to paycheck, so this was going to positively affect your life. Money makes the world go round after all. 

You were probably going to question where he suddenly got the money, but it was fine. Taking ownership of a company so that he could get you out of this dump was going to make you happy. More on the ‘getting out of this dump’ and less on ‘taking ownership of a company’. 

Man was he a great guy. A great ramen, actually. Thank _you_ WikiHow for providing him with the necessary information he needed. He inwardly laughed.

What was it that people said? Kindness is virtue? Well, it was definitely his virtue now.


End file.
